This is a memoir.
Featured is the method by which fundamentalist religious sects take hold
of a person or family and the stricture under which they hold that family. In this case the religiosity is that of the
ultra-orthodox Jews. However, the same
holds true for ultra- religious Mormons and/or other Christian faiths or
beliefs including scientology. Usually
as in this case the subject is part of a dysfunctional family. Sometimes the subject as in this case was
subject of abuse and/or a family tragedy that has marked the person with
sadness, guilt and or loneliness. In
this case a sad a lonely Leah Lax whose dysfunctional family included a
mentally ill father was attracted to the warmth and comradery she envisioned in
an ultra-orthodox Jewish family in Dallas, her hometown. When she was with this family who made her
feel very welcome, she no longer felt alone.
They encouraged her to visit as often as she liked and partake of dinner
especially Shabbat dinner with them and their large family. Through this family, the local Chabad house
and or Hillel, she was directed to an ultra-orthodox women’s center in
Minnesota. These organizations do not
charge the new participants. These
foundations are funded by Jewish organizations such as Jewish Federation and/or
ultra-orthodox groups who constantly look for converts from the secular way of
life. Jews cannot seek converts among
non-Jews. There is no proselytizing
among non-Jews seeking converts to Judaism.
The proselytizing is by Orthodox Jews seeking to convert secular Jews of
the reform or conservative movements to ultra-orthodoxy. So first Leah traveled to Minneapolis with a
modest skirt falling at least to the knee and a couple of pairs of pants. However, soon she was encouraged to wear
longer skirts and she sought them out.
Longer skirts and high necked long sleeved blouses were furnished to
her. She spent each day studying Torah
and the role of the Jewish woman in orthodoxy. She learned the dietary rules of Kashrut, the
laws she had to follow, and the limitations of female participation in the
synagogue and prayer. In the meantime
her parents had separated and her father often lived in sheltered situations
for those suffering from mental illness.
Her artist mother did not know quite what to make of things, but she had
two other daughters, a marriage that had fallen apart, and a life in
disarray. She seemed to tolerate the
situation, but after all what could she do about it. Leah had arranged the financing of her education
through scholarships and loans. She had
originally planned to at least minor in music if not major in it, because she
was an accomplished cellist.
She returned home to follow an ultra-orthodox way of
life. People at her university campus
looked askance at her modest dress which set her apart from other
students. She appeared odd. She eventually transferred to University of
Texas in Austin where she was directed to the local Hillel and Chabad house and
an ultra-orthodox rabbi. She studied
cello as well as other subjects and carted her large instrument back and forth
to campus where she could play to her heart’s content in the music
studios. She lived off campus but ate
only kosher meals. Ultra-orthodox young
adults do not date. Their marriages are
arranged by their ultra-orthodox parents.
However, Leah did not have orthodox parents who could arrange a
match. Instead the young rabbi took over
that function. He introduced Leah to her
future husband, Levy Lax. Levy too had
suffered a traumatic childhood. Levy
attended the University of Pennsylvannia where he earned a Phd. in
engineering. However, he lost his older
brother in a tragic accident when Levy was only 20. He too was drawn to the warmth and boisterous
family life of orthodoxy when his brother’s death left a hole in the family
dynamic. With little fanfare a marriage
was arranged between Leah and Levy. This
was not a love match, and neither expected love from the outset. Instead they each sought a mate who would
help each build an ultra-orthodox Jewish home with a host of children. Orthodox Jews use no birth control. It is not unusual for a family to have 10 or
more children. There is a high incidence
of down syndrome and other abnormalities since motherhood over the age of 40 is
not discouraged and women have children even at the age of 50.
Leah at least expected to have a room in her house where she
could keep her cello and play it so she would not have to cart it back and
forth to campus. Before they married
Levy at least seemed to agree with this scenario. However, it was not to be and it became clear
to Leah that she would have to cart her beloved cello back and forth so that
the second bedroom could be dedicated to Levy’s torah study and prayer. If she had any disillusion about the state of
this marriage before they set up house together, she quickly learned that her
personal needs would be on the back burner.
The only concession was permission from the rabbi to use birth control
until they both finished their degrees for a period of about 2 years.
Leah always had to work.
Levy worked as well, but he had to study torah and pray about 8 hours a
day as well both at the synagogue and at home.
It is the wife’s duty to take care of the children, household, meal
preparation, and hold down a paying job so that the husband could devote the
necessary hours to study and prayer as required by the ultra-orthodox laws. Leah struggled managing a household with 5
children and no help while also teaching in the synagogue school full
time. Keep in mind that they could not
buy ready made meals for carry out b/c those meals did not comply with the
kosher dietary laws. So Leah cleaned the
house, cared for 5 children including a newborn, prepared and served breakfast,
lunch and dinner that complied with strict kashrut and held down a full time
job. She was often exhausted to the
point of tears. Had she had any energy
to pursue her love of cello, she would not have been allowed to do so. No help came from her husband as his self
centered way of life concerned itself solely with his obligations to pray and
study torah and to a lesser degree to earn a living. Even though he claimed there was no money to
hire help at home, he always had money when the rabbi requested synagogue or
Yeshiva donations. All the children
attended the ultra-orthodox day school requiring large capital outlays for
private synagogue school.
Still Leah continued to feel alone. She also struggled with the fact that though
she slept with her husband she did not feel sexually stimulated by him. Her often conflicting feelings troubled and
confused her. From time to time she
noticed that she felt more attracted to the softness of a woman’s hands than to
those of her masculine husband.
Nevertheless, after her 6th child she announced much to the
chagrin of her husband that she would not continue to work. Six children and a household were enough work
for one woman. Further, she hired a
Hispanic woman to help her with the household chores. Levy complained about the loss of income and
extra expense, but he put up with it.
Though money was always short, Levy always had money to give to
synagogue causes or expenses.
After Leah’s 7th childbirth and a controversial
abortion, with the rabbi’s blessing she had her tubes tied. She followed her heart and took a writing
course. She slowly toned down her
religious dress, and even gave up covering her hair with a wig. She slowly realized she was gay and decided
to leave Levy. The rest of her story
concerns itself with how she came out of the closet. She now lives a secular life. Of her 5 sons and 2 daughters some have
chosen to live a secular life including her oldest son, Leibl, and some have
chosen the religious life. While Leah
has positioned this book as a story of a gay woman’s realization that she was
gay and her coming to terms with her homosexuality, it is really a story about
how fundamentalist religions take advantage of individuals with personal
problems or those from dysfunctional families.
Leah is prouder of the fact that her book is number 10 on the homosexual
best seller list than the fact that it is a good memoir of a woman who was
taken advantage of by a fundamentalist Jewish movement.
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